This is the story of my abysmal life that I first found very fascinating. I’ve generally told this story in recovery meetings but today I think I want to share the worst part of my life with you all and hope that no one goes through what I went. Today I am living a much better life that is challenging and joyful. This was not the case a few years back. When I see back to the time when I had the most horrendous days, I wish no one has to experience it. But, with utmost determination and support from my family, I left that scary life way back in the past.
My name is Lily. I had my first drink when I was 10 yrs old. At first, it was just one sip out of someone else’s glass. My stepdad gave me his glass to take the mouthful. I still remember lying down, getting a little dizzy, and eating some crackers to relieve my stomach. I grimaced as I took the first sip but soon after I was enjoying it as it has aroused all my senses. Later that day, I started taking more than just one sip. I started hanging out with my friends more so I could drink alcohol. I started stealing the bottles from my dad’s bar. I started gulping 1-2 bottles a day. Soon I was smuggling airline-sized bottles of alcohol and camouflaging them in all the ways possible in my locker, so I could get a sip in lunchtime or any other point of the day. The moment I started boozing, everyone started taking me seriously. They said that I got cooler and enthusiastic. My outside personality started appearing condescendingly cool at times. But no one had an idea what was going inside. I became self-aware. I thought everyone was talking about me, plotting against me or wishing me harm. To others, it might have looked a turtle sunning itself on the rock but actually, I felt like a frog frying in a pan.
By the time I reached high school, I was drinking every weekend. For me that time, drinking was just like ordering a pizza. So simple and so relishing. When people used to drink tea or coffee, I used to be dumbfounded as of how can someone order coffee or tea when they are legally eligible to drink? I had no idea that people were living a completely different life, a lifestyle in which alcohol did not have a starring role.
Though I was an alcohol addict and emotionally unstable, I still managed to earn a full-time scholarship in college. I carried a flask of whiskey as to manage the depression that gripped me as soon as I had to be separated from my family. I was happy but at the same time drunk. I had momentary mood swings. At one moment, I used to give my best friends cold shoulder and flood them with emotional drama when they get even a little bit offensive and at the other moment, I used to cry my eyes out. I couldn’t help acknowledge the truth that I was damaged, lost and completely hopeless. I drank more and more, smoked, experimented with drugs, broke hearts, had mine broken. All these resulted in the fact that I lost my scholarship.
That created a deep void in my life. I was shattered and went into the shell where no one could help me but myself. For the next four years, I did everything to blame my deep woundedness on something other than drug abuse and neglect. I switched jobs, friends, boyfriends, apartments at a regular interval. I prayed. I joined a couple of churches. I cried, prayed, yelled, pleaded with God to forgive me, heal me do anything that could take me back to my happy times. I was depressed and that was the time when I started taking meth. The first time I took it, I was like Wow! I am an addict. I didn’t fight. I gave into it. Those were the days when I had no job, no running water, no phone, no heat, no food. I didn’t brush my teeth, didn’t take a bath. It felt like my life had no purpose. I didn’t know what to do. Then one of my friends took me to the recovery meeting. Some say that our life changes in a moment, but if someone asks me, the actual change happen in a heartbeat.
For me, it happened one gray morning while sitting in a room with another drug addict. He told how alcohol and drug shrank his whole life into a confused as well as quivering ball of shame. His story startled me completely. I thought that if I don’t come to my senses, I might end up losing everything that has left to me. I said to myself “That’s enough. I am done now.” I made this life-altering decision in the thinnest slice of eternity. That was the time when my inner inhibitions motivated me to the extreme, telling me not to even take a single drop of alcohol.
Initially, the first years of sobriety were filled with self-realizations, daily confusion, painful fears. Living sober is truly not all rainbows and butterflies. But then, I have firmly made up my mind that I won’t fall into the trap again, I made all the efforts.
Now, I am free from the shackles of alcohol and drug abuse. I’ve learned to love myself, forgive myself, and live as the person I was created to be. I bought a house, married an incredible man, became a mother and enjoying life to the fullest. Life has taught me everything.
This is my story from my pen. Hope you’ll like it. Do share your success stories and create awareness against alcohol and drug abuse.